Happy Halloween.

Or… Hallowe’en, with word-bling for traditionalists.

Of course, if we’re going old school, we can do any number of titles for this fun holiday.

And since the term “hallow” actually means “saint” we can get really jiggy with it.

• Halloween = Sainteen.
• Hallowe’en = Sainte’en.
• All Hallows’ Evening = All Saints Evening.
• Allhalloween = Allsaintseen.
• Allhallowtide = Allsainttide.
• All Hallows’ Eve = All Saints’ Eve.
• All Saints’ Eve = … Oh.

And then, of course, there’s tomorrow, November 1st, which is actually the day that counts but nobody talks about it except for how it relates to the beginning of the Christmas count-down.

{Cue the holiday carols making early radio appearances and driving sane people mad because everyone knows the Christmas season doesn’t officially begin until Thanksgiving morning when Santa appears toward the end of the Macy’s Day Parade.}

Abbie would make a great model. Know any agents?

This lack of interest in November 1st strikes me as a douche move on the part of the more obnoxious voices of The Church. I mean, here is a perfectly good day to turn into a religious THING, and the tools completely skip it in favor of yelling about how evil and satanic it is to go around town dressed as a vampire begging for candy.

Silly people.

All Hallows’ Day, Allhallowtide, etc., are all different ways of saying,

“Remember that one hero-saint-martyr person? That was one hoopy frood! Too bad he’s all dead and junk. *le sigh* Here’s to YOU, my faithfully departed soul! Get down in Heaven with yo’ bad self.”

Some people don’t truck with all that dead-people nonsense. They are all like,

“No, no, no! Halloween is Samhain – the day that officially ends fall harvest and brings on the dark days of winter. Get it straight, you fools!”

And then other people are like,

“Wait, it’s not about dead people or seasonal shit. It’s about fairies and fallen gods and how we need to placate them. Do it!”

And then somebody always goes,

“You’re all stupid. It *IS* about dead people, but not just the hero-types. It’s about my Great Uncle Albert and your buddy Leonard and basically everybody who ever died ever.”

Yada-yada-yada.

Who even cares about the history and title of Halloween?

NOT IT!

Around these parts we just slap some makeup on the kid and go trick-or-treating.

Mama needs some Yorks Peppermint Patties with a side of Tootsie Rolls.

Yeah, that’s right – I ain’t too proud to admit I gank my daughter’s candy.

Which brings us to yet another title I have only ever seen in Ohio:

Beggars Night.

WTF is Beggars Night?

It’s that two-hour window between 6:00 and 8:00 p.m. when rugrats are invited to run around in costumes begging for candy.

And it may or may not coincide with Halloween.

And the town in which I live may celebrate it on one night, while the neighboring town less than ten minutes up the road celebrates on an entirely different night, so that throughout Ohio one may find candy-beggars on the streets any night that falls within the week of Halloween.

Germantown, Ohio – same school district as Farmersville, the six-street village from which we just moved – held Beggars Night last night.

So we’re done with Halloween.

Admit it: You’re jealous of my awesome daughter. It’s okay. I am, too. She’s pretty marvie.

Kind of. My daughter’s class is hosting a party today, to which my mom and I are bringing inside-out caramel apples.

My sister’s kids go to school in the neighboring district, and they are holding Beggars Night this evening. Bad luck for fans of high school football. And, since my almost-16-year-old niece is the field commander of the marching band, her two younger brothers might have missed out on trick-or-treating. But instead, they went with us last night and we’re all going to the football game tonight. So this year, having Beggars Night, and indeed, having Beggars Night NOT fall on Halloween, was a good thing.

But the whole thing is still kind of weird.

Almost as weird as putting aside an entire day to celebrate dead people or fairies.

Whatever.

At this point, it doesn’t matter what you call it, or how it originated. It’s all about commercialism and that’s the final truth.

Naysayers can fight all they want in hopes of having Halloween {by any name} removed from the calendar, but the American Machine will march right on over those silly goofballs.

How else would Corporate America survive if not through the manipulation of secular gift and candy and card giving?

Call it what you will, and celebrate or skip it as you please.

As for me and mine, we will continue to accept free candy because that shit ain’t cheap. And if we burn in hell for it, at least we’ll be in good company.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put on pants since I’ll be heading to my daughter’s class for cupcakes and caramel apples.

What do you call Halloween?

• Are you about the dead people or the fairies?
• Do you gank your kid’s candy, too?
• Tootsie Rolls: Yea or Nay? I seem to stand alone in the “Hell YES!” corner. More for me, I guess.

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